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15. You’ve resorted to cruising AARP meetings.
14. Impressed by your streak, Cal Ripken sends YOU fan letters.
13. Your home state? Arkansas. Your age? 12.
12. When you slip into something more comfortable, it’s usually a coma.
11. Every night at home, your mother reminds you that all the other Supreme Court justices have had sex.
10. Black lace garter belt now attaches to your Depends.
9. Dating criteria have fallen from “rich and attractive” to “breathing.”
8. The only tongue action you have enough energy for is to pop those dentures back in place.
7. When your date suggests you “get nasty,” you start picking your nose.
6. You’re the King of Pop, for crying out loud.
5. When ogling the pool boy, you find yourself coveting his comfortable-looking sandals.
4. Mind addled by lack of sex, you find yourself standing at the altar next to John Tesh.
3. “Going all the way” takes on a new meaning, thanks to Metamucil.
2. Saving yourself for Ringo seemed like a groovy idea at the time.
1. The last young man you smiled at seductively escorted you across the street.
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