More here: Funny Lists
1. If I speak to people calmly and clearly, I can articulate my position — especially if they can see the safety is off.
2. On the journey of life I should stop and smell the roses and not forget that obviously the bastard feels bad about whatever he did.
3. I can feel bad about clipping that old lady at the crosswalk with my car, or I can think, “hey, that old lady had lived long enough.”
4. I can forgive those who slight me and forget their past transgressions, but that doesn’t mean I have to feel guilty about “keying” their car.
5. The pain of falling off my bike helps me remember the license plate of the guy who laughed and drove away.
6. Sometimes I think of people and their problems and I feel sad. Then I can always smile and think, hey, better them than me.
7. I can forgive those that slight me and apologize, and I can still disable the primer mechanism under their car.
8. People will believe I am confident in my successes if I keep the look of astonishment off my face.
9. I can say no to drugs, but I should remember that it is considered rude to turn down other people’s hospitality.
10. I can feel bad about killing minks for their skin, or I can feel happy that I am not having mink roast for dinner.
11. It is not the getting, it is the having that counts.
12. Life is a journey and it helps to have a map.
13. Hindsight may be 20/20, but it would be awfully hard to see out of your Levis.
14. Killing minks for their fur is a bad thing, but getting laid for giving a fur coat is a good thing.
15. Making a copy of a software package is not always stealing. Sometimes you need to make an off-site back-up in case the office were to burn down, or in case they fire me.
16. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the can and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and there dreams will be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true then be selfish and worry about my liver.”
17. I can feel bad about cheating on my spouse, or I can feel good about the love and happiness I spread around the city.
18. If the police didn’t see it, it didn’t really happen.
19. Bartenders get lonely, and just like grandma they like to have you stop by and see them every once in a while.
20. A court order could be a way for your girlfriend to formalize your relationship in the eyes of the law.
21. Just because Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones are out bidding each other for you to appear on their shows does not make you a bad boyfriend.
22. I can feel sad about all of the people starving in China, or I can be happy that they are not spending a fortune on Jenny Craig.
23. I call out to my higher power to show me the error of my ways, give me the guidance so I do not repeat my mistakes, and the right words so that I can talk my way out of this ticket.
24. I can have my cake and eat it too, and not feel so guilty about the inches it will put on my butt.
25. Having sex on the first date does not make me “easy” it just makes me “user friendly.”
26. I should live each day as if it is to be my last, but that doesn’t mean at the end of each day I should pants my boss and punch him or her in the face for being such a moron.
27. Even a moron can make a good decision. My boss might be a moron, but that moron signs my paycheck each week.
28. When I play Solitaire on the computer I am not screwing off. I am building hand to eye coordination.
29. I will remember to blow kisses and mouth out the words, “I LOVE YOU” to everyone I cut off in traffic today.
30. I may not like the sight of it, but Stevie Wonder sure would.
31. Revenge is a dish best served cold, but an appetizer of hot wings and some RITZ Crackers and Cheez Whiz with a little sprig of parsley on the side, it really hits the spot.
32. If my drinking problem only surfaces when my spouse complains, then it could be classified as only a localized problem and not a full scale actual problem.
33. The main reason why my boss is complaining about the fact that I am hung over is that they do not have a life of their own. I should show pity on their life and not anger because the yelling is hurting my brain.
34. Just because the cops do it, doesn’t make it legal or right.
35. What my neighbor didn’t catch me doing in his yard is not going to kill me.
36. My neighbor is not lazy, he just doesn’t want to pick up the dog poop his dog left in my yard. I am not being antagonistic by leaving it in the front seat of his Subaru, I just want him to know that unlike the apples that dropped in my yard, I do not want to share the rest of his toys possessions.
37. Good fences make good neighbors and good electric fences really make good neighbors, their dogs and their kids stay the hell out of my yard.
38. Cheaters never win. Even if I have to fix it so they don’t.
39. Nobody likes a crybaby. Especially when they just paid $9.00 to watch a film in a movie theater.