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1. Repeatedly ask, “What was your last name again?”
2. Ask her if she’s going to finish that lettuce leaf.
3. Every week, adjust her scale to add an additional pound or two (wait — that’s the way to “kill” a supermodel).
4. Consistently baffle her with multi-syllabic words and compound sentences.
5. Force her to share a runway with a 747.
6. Whoopie Cushion Shoulder Pads.
7. Taunt her with the Pythagorean Theorem and a slice of pizza.
8. Follow her everywhere, mumbling, “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”
9. Make her wear that loose-fitting size 2 outfit.
10. Secretly replace her methamphetamines with new “Folgers Crystals Methamphetamines.”
11. Move fashion meccas from New York, Paris, and Milan to Newark, Vladivostok, and Anchorage.
12. Constantly demand a display of her Superhuman powers.
13. Tell her that global-warming will eventually lead to the erosion of collagen.
14. Before fixing dinner, ask her if she’d rather throw-up meatloaf or throw-up spaghetti.
15. Keep asking, “Are you the one who’s married to Billy Joel?”
16. Two words: CK wedgies.