More here: Funny Lists

  1. Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
  2. Common sense isn’t.
  3. Nobody ever forgets WHERE they buried the hatchet.
  4. A conservative is a person who lives in a past that never existed.
  5. A liberal prefers a criminal’s rights to society’s rights.
  6. You know you beat a liberal in an argument when he calls you names.
  7. Diplomacy is the art of letting somebody else have your way.
  8. Chopped cabbage is not just a good idea, it’s the slaw!
  9. It was a brave man who ate the first oyster.
  10. Practice safe eating. Use condiments.
  11. Just because I’m moody doesn’t mean you’re not irritating.
  12. If you want to know more about paranoids follow them around.
  13. How would we measure hail without golf balls?
  14. Got a new car for my wife – great trade!
  15. Cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
  16. Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?
  17. I started out with nothing. I still have most of it left.
  18. Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.
  19. Every Titanic has its iceberg.
  20. An honest politician: One who stays bought.
  21. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  22. What’s the most popular form of birth control? The headache.
  23. Clean mind, clean body: take your pick.
  24. Whatever advice you give, be brief.
  25. He who laughs last doesn’t get the joke.
  26. Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
  27. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing about average.
  28. When in doubt, make it sound convincing.
  29. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
  30. When all else fails, read the directions.
  31. If your work speaks for itself, don’t interrupt.
  32. If reality wants to get in touch with me, it knows where I am.
  33. When forced to choose between two evils, try the new one.
  34. Every human comes equipped with a brain at no extra cost.
  35. To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
  36. To save one life s better than to build a seven story pagoda.
  37. There’s so much to say, but your eyes keep interrupting me.
  38. There’s at least one fool in every married couple.
  39. There is always a someone worse off than yourself.
  40. The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
  41. The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
  42. The plural of spouse is spice.
  43. The only rose without thorns is friendship.
  44. The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn’t.
  45. The light of a hundred stars doesn’t equal the light of the moon.
  46. He who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn’t been asleep.
  47. The best prophet of the future is the past.
  48. The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
  49. The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
  50. That must be wonderful! I don’t understand it at all.
  51. Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
  52. Someone is speaking well of you.
  53. Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
  54. No great scoundrel is ever uninteresting.
  55. Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
  56. Some men are discovered; others are found out.
  57. Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
  58. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  59. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  60. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  61. He who hesitates is probably right.
  62. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  63. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  64. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  65. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  66. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  67. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  68. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  69. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  70. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  71. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  72. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  73. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  74. A fool and his money are soon partying.
  75. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  76. Always try to be modest, and be darn proud of it!
  77. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  78. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand….
  79. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse–it’ll be a great trade!
  80. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  81. Everybody repeat after me…..”We are all individuals.”
  82. Death to all fanatics!
  83. Guests who kill talk show hosts–On the last Geraldo.
  84. Do not take rat poison from the hand that criticizes you.
  85. Don’t be sexist; broads hate that!
  86. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  87. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
  88. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  89. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  90. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
  91. Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back.
  92. Half the people you know are below average.
  93. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  94. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  95. It has been determined that research causes cancer in rats.
  96. To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.
  97. Anger is only one letter short of danger.
  98. If someone betrays you once, it’s his fault; If he betrays you twice, it’s your fault.
  99. Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people
  100. God gives every bird its food, But he does not throw it into its nest.
  101. He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.
  102. Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.
  103. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
  104. The tongue weighs practically nothing, But so few people can hold it.