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walmart-soulHere is the long-awaited sequel to our 60 Ways to Get Kicked Out of WalMart post, entitled…

101 Ways to Kicked Out of WalMart

1. Set all the alarm clocks to go off in 10-minute intervals

2. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares,…”and see what happens.

3. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.

4. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

5. Go into a *beep* room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly “There’s no toilet paper in here”.

6. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!”

7. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible’.

8. Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

9. Sit down and relax on the patio furniture until they kick you out

10. Set up a tent in the camping department

11. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

12. Take pictures of absolutely everything.

13. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?

14. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

15. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

16. Randomly put boxes of things suck as condoms and tampons into people’s carts.

17. See what you can “catch” by casting fishing poles into different isles.

18. Play football and see how many people you can get to join in.

19. Play soccer using the whole store as your field

20. Try on bras over your clothes in the middle of the store.

21. Try to get people to race you across the store.

22. Sit on the floor and watch T.V. in the electronics department.

23. Pretend to speak a different language and see how many weird looks you get

24. Superglue quarters to the floor and count how many people try to pick them up

25. Switch all the radios to strange stations suck as polka or Mexican rap and turn the volume all the way up.

26. Fill up carts and just leave them around the store.

27. When someone is behind you in a narrow aisle, walk very slowly, humming to yourself.

28. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and pretend to be superman.

29. TP the entire store.

30. Walk up to random strangers and say “I haven’t seen you in so long!” etc.

31. Do the same thing, except ask for their autograph.

32. Play Red Rover with other customers. Except don’t tell them that they’re
playing.

33. Test brushes and combs

34. Take up an entire toy aisle with a G.I. Joe vs. Rescue Heroes battle of epic proportions.

35. Take bets on the battle.

36. Have sword fights with tubes of wrapping paper.

37. Follow people.

38. Play with the price scanners.

39. Spray air-freshener everywhere.

40. Play with the automatic doors.

41. Make a pillow fort.

42. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”

43. Shopping cart races. Enough said.

44. Crawl into gym bags and laundry hampers.

45. Put a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.

46. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

47. Two words. Marco Polo.

48. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s

49. “Re-alphabetize” the books.

50. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

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51. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

52. Buy a candybar. Eat it. Get back in line. Buy another candy bar. Eat it. Get back in line. Repeat until you get bored.

53. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines, relax and if the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

54. Change all the calculators to say “hello” and “Bob Hesse” upside-down.

55. Burn something.

56. Bring a lot of hammers/scrap metal and make a “Custom Swordmaking” stand next to the last checkout counter.

57. Spill clear soap down an aisle.

58. Walk off with people’s carts.

59. Pretend to be a Jehovah’s Witness and attempt to convert everyone, including employees in the store.

60. Dress like you’re Amish and start rollerblading around the store.

61. Sing loudly. Badly. Or better yet, try to rap.

62. Pay for something like a pack of gum with a bad check when there’s a really long line of people behind you.

63. Somehow get a motor scooter. Race your friends around the store.

64. Throw things from aisle to aisle.

65. If there’s a produce department, poke and touch all of the fruits and vegetables.

66. Leave all the freezer doors open.

67. Switch price tags to make it look like a grill is $.99 and a bag of candy is $499, etc.

68. Release a cage of mice, a snake, etc. into the store.

69. Charge people to park.

70. Egg the security trucks.

71. You know that door-thingy for carts with the plastic flaps hanging down instead of an actual door? Go through it.

72. When you get in trouble, accuse them of being prejudiced against non-shopping carts.

73. Do the Macarena or the Cha-Cha Slide in the middle of the store.

74. Pretend to be blind and insist that the dog is there to help you get around, not to wreak havoc in the pet department.

75. Light a candle, and make smores.

76. Breakdance.

77. In the electronics department, start a mosh pit in front of a boom box or stereo with a few of your friends.

78. Play basketball in the toy section.

79. Dress up as Santa and let little kids sit on your lap. (Especially in the middle of the summer)

80. Charge parents for a picture.

81. Sing the national anthem into a karaoke machine.

82. Pretend to be an F.B.I. agent.

83. Ask the security guards if they have guns. If they say yes, refuse to believe them until they show you at which point you run away screaming “He’s got a gun! He’s got a gun! Run away!”

84. Duct tape things to the floor, walls, etc. that don’t belong there.

85. Walk up to people and start laughing. Then walk away like nothing happened.

86. Go to sleep on the floor.

87. “Accidentally” knock over displays.

88. Put on hats, gloves, and scarves and pretend like you’re absolutely freezing.

89. “[insert local sports team here] sucks!!”

90. In the parking lot, pretend to be in an unmarked police car and point a black hair dryer at passing cars.

91. Act shocked when they don’t have some totally obscure item in stock. Like a Korean pop C.D. or something.

92. Talk like a valley girl and act dumb and see how long employees can stand you. “Like, ohmigawd! Like, where is the mascara? I sooo like, totally need it tonight!”

93. Ask for directions to Kmart.

94. Scream “look at that!” and see how many people look at where you’re pointing.

95. Shoot rubber bands/hair ties at customers

96. Flirt with middle-aged and older employees. See how they react.

97. Run around in circles until you fall down.

98. Dip tampons in Kool-aid and throw them at people

99. Anything else in general that could get you shot, arrested, questioned, kicked out, laughed at, killed, stared at, or confuse, annoy, or injure other people

100. Have a friend push you in a shopping cart while shouting the British are coming! The British are coming!

101. Open a model train, set up the tracks and sing “I’ve been workin’ on the railroad…” as loud as you can.

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